Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
