Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
