Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
