I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
