i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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