My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
