It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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