she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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