Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
