Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
