is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
In America we eat man semen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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