I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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