I am puke
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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