you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
