She is in my trunk
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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