trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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