o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize