mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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