4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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