When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
