my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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