It's like God shit irony all over that family
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize
