there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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