You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
