i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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