I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Congratulations! We have a period
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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