She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
