so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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