There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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