Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
