Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
