I'm going to rape someone's good day.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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