I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize