im about as happy as oj after his trial
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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