I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
