Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
