those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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