I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
