Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
