I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
we should paint friendship bongs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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