ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
