I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
