Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
