Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
