Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
