if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sext me about skeletons
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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