Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
its liver damage thursday
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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