My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
