I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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