look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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