i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
