haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
