I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
