I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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