Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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