Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
i think my cat just said my name.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
