you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
