I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
