you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
